Taking it day by day...

I went and saw Dr. Larson on Wednesday, December 23rd.  We talked about EVERYTHING that transpired over the last three days.  I was having  a really hard time combining Dr. Larson's approach to Mayo's approach.  Conclusion:  Dr. Larson bases his practice off of 40 years of practice.  Mayo bases their practice on most recent education, research, and studies.  It was up to me to choose which route to take. Mayo's 'conclusion' was there was nothing that could be done at this point and to go home and be as active as possible, as labor was inevitable.  Dr. Larson's conclusion that we should do everything in our might to try to halt further progression of my shortened cervix and contractions.  I chose Dr. Larson's approach.  What mother wouldn't do anything possible to have a successful pregnancy?  I sure as hell wasn't about to shrug my shoulders and go on with life pretending the last three weeks were nothing.  Three weeks ago, doctors were prepping me for delivery, and I'm still pregnant... I wasn't going to take the back seat and see what happens.  Prayers work, people!

Dr. Larson did an exam on me last Wednesday and he felt that I was stable enough to be home, on bed rest, for Christmas, and I would see him again on the 26th.  Appointment on the 26th also went fine, and I now see him every other day.  He has has a very low threshold for re-admitting me.  If it wasn't for hospital administration, I would be in the hospital on bed rest... and honestly, hospital bed rest is a lot easier than home bed rest!  I don't have a nurse button at home!  Donny is great, but there's just some things that don't cross from nursing staff to your husband... 

At this point, we are taking it day by day... and sometimes my emotions and anxiety are taking it hour by hour.   As of today, I am 24 weeks and 5 days.  Most people just say how many weeks they are... I will also throw in what day too... because every. day. is. huge.  

We are in good viability right now for the girls, but obviously they need to stay in as long as possible.  We are not expecting to make it to term, and we have victory weeks.  Week 25 will be a huge victory, as survival and long-term issues decrease significantly in week 25.  Week 26-27 their lung function will be developed enough that they won't need as much breathing support.  

Are we prepared for the road ahead of us?   I don't think anyone can be, whether we have a 100 day NICU stay, 10 day NICU stay, or no NICU stay.... I don't think anyone can be prepared for twins... but the reality of it all is the fact that we are ready to do whatever we need to do to get our babies home by April, so I can start pulling out my hair as I stare at our screaming little miracles.  

Detour...

On Sunday, December 21st (23 weeks 3 days), the doctor on call came in to check on me and asked the everyday question "Have you had any changes?".... I'm always worried about something, so I threw a few things out there (I'll spare the details) and he said that from the sounds of it, they all sounded like 'normal' pregnancy symptoms.  He went on with his day, and I went on with mine.

Around 11:30, an ultrasound tech came into my room with her ultrasound machine. At first I thought she had the wrong room because Dr. Larson ordered my ultrasound for tomorrow (Monday).  She said that the doctor on call ordered an ultrasound to check fluid around the babies and to check my cervix.  I wasn't very happy because no one told me that this was going to happen.  When I have ultrasounds, Dr. Larson is always there to explain things and have a game plan.  We went ahead with the ultrasound, and it was found that my cervix had shortened even further (1 cm).  Just to clarify, a 'normal' cervix should be at a comfortable 4-cm or more.  The doctor on call came in the room and told me that I needed to go to Rochester and that he was putting in paperwork for the ambulance ride and that I needed a shot of steroids for the babies' lungs.  I was so overwhelmed and confused, but in the end, I believe doctors know best.  I asked if he could call Dr. Larson, and he wouldn't...after asking a second time he finally did and Dr. Larson was home with the influenza.  Lovely.  In 30 minutes from the ultrasound completion, I was strapped in this harness things being pushed on a gurney to the ambulance garage.

The ambulance crew told me that it might be a bumpy ride... and they weren't exaggerating.  The ride was so bumpy, and my emotions were so high that I was starting to have contractions again and my pulse was going up to 115.

Once they got me there, they brought me to my room where I met my nurse, and she told me all the tests that were ordered.  They put the contraction monitor on, and I was having contractions every 4-5 minutes.  The doctor came in and checked me, and I wasn't dilated (why the doctor in Mankato couldn't have checked me is beyond me!).  She did a cervical length check herself, and she measured 1.7cm. That was better than 1!!  I had lab in my room taking blood three separate times, the IV team in my room to start my IV, the neonatologist came in to talk about our options with the babies at a 23 week delivery... little overwhelming.  They started me on fluids, magnesium for protection of the babies' brains, and penicillin. I was monitored all night, every hour.  The magnesium wiped me out.  I was so hot and sweating so much they couldn't keep up with the cold washcloths.  The next morning, five high risk pregnancy physicians came into my room and basically told me that everything Mankato had been doing for me wasn't going to be effective.  They took me off of Procarida for the contractions, Heparin for the blood thinning, and told me that there was nothing that could be done at this point "because you're pregnant with twins".   I had another ultrasound and everything checked out fine.  My cervix was still unchanged from the prior day, and there was no dilation.  At this point I was starting to question why I was sent to Rochester to begin with.  Because there was no change in the 14 hours I was there, I got moved to their antepartum unit for more monitoring.  I had another shot of steroids and they monitored my contractions more.

The next morning (Tuesday the 23rd), the team of doctors came in and told me that since there weren't any 'drastic changes' that I would be discharged home.  I had soooo many questions... Here I've been on hospital bed rest for two weeks, been told by multiple people that'd I'd be in the hospital until at least 26 weeks, I could deliver at any point, actively contracting, and my cervix is getting progressively worse, but I'm being sent home.... None of this was sitting well with me, so I called Dr. Larson, he called in a prescription for Procardia for me, and he told me to go home for the night and get some rest, and he will see me at 8:30 the next morning.

Donny came to get me and brought me home.  Shadow walked up to me, smelled me, sneezed, and walked away.  Think he was mad at me?  :-)

Bump in the Road...

On Saturday, December 6th (21 weeks 2 days pregnant), I woke up around 3 am with the most horrible GI bug.  I'll spare the gruesome details, but by 7:00 that morning, I knew I was so dehydrated I needed to go in for fluids, not just for me, but for the babies.  I told Donny to stay home and that I'd be back in awhile.

I got the ER and told them what was going on.  They wouldn't even touch me.  The called the OB/GYN floor and they came and got me and brought me up into a hospital room.  They started an IV right away and also Zofran so I would stop throwing up.  I didn't think anything of it because I know they don't mess around with pregnancies after 20 weeks, and especially pregnancies with twins.
The doctor on call came in to see me, and he ordered an ultrasound just to verify everything was okay, pregnancy wise. Again, I didn't think anything of it because I just had my weekly appointment with Dr. Larson on Thursday and everything was going great.  The ultrasound tech talked me through the ultrasound, and told me that my cervix was significantly shorter than normal and was funneling (this is cringed at in the pregnancy world). All I wanted at that point was Dr. Larson.  The doctor on call came back in and told the nurse to put me on the contraction monitor.  I was having contractions 4-5 minutes apart.  WHAT?! I wasn't feeling contractions!  I was beyond heartbroken.  Everything started coming back to me from before, and I didn't know how to even start to deal with it.  Anyone who knows me very well knows that I over analyze every situation thrown at me, and I'm not always the most optimistic person.

They continued to monitor me throughout the day, and the contractions slowed down, but they were quick to tell me that I wasn't out of the woods.  I was officially admitted and was told they would redo the ultrasound the next day to see if there was any progression.  On my ultrasound on Sunday, things had remained the same, and the nurse and doctor breathed a little sigh of relief, but my cervix was short enough that they wouldn't discharge me.  I was officially on hospital bedrest.... I was to remain in bed 23-1/2 hours a day... only enough time to use the bathroom.

Dr. Larson came in to see me that next Monday and told me that I would be in the hospital, in his "back pocket" for the "long haul".  I was still having contractions but they decided to call it "uterine irritability".  I was put on heparin for blood thinners, procardia for contractions, zofran for nausea, and A LOT of ambien because I couldn't sleep.  The nurses kept a very close eye on me and many of them I became so comfortable with, we would just talk non-medical stuff.  I got to hear other women next door give birth without pain medications, men pace the hallway outside my door, and nurses coming in my room completely exhausted after emergency c-sections with blood on their scrubs... all while I just laid there.  Life just kept going while mine was at forced standstill for the life of my babies.  It was impossible for me to process... Over the next two weeks I had some scares to the point where we were taking it hour by hour... again Dr. Larson being there EVERY time within 10 minutes (sometimes those 10 minutes felt like an hour).

Days were creeping by, but every night I went to sleep, I knew I was going to wake up and that was one more day of pregnancy under my belt, and THAT'S what kept me going.  I made it to 22 weeks... milestone one, and 23 weeks came... another victory.  With things going well, Dr. Larson thought he would maybe discharge me at week 25 - 26 (January 5-9), if things kept going well, which did not go as we hoped.

The First 21 Weeks

We found out we were pregnant the end of July.  With our past pregnancy losses, I was really hesitant to even tell Donny.  I held it in for three days before he caught on. When I turn down my favorite beer on the weekend... something is obviously up!!

My First Appointment

I had my first appointment with Dr. Larson the end of August (you'll be hearing his name a lot in this blog because he has a huge role in my pregnancies and my sanity).  Dr. Larson took me through our pregnancy with the twins back in 2013 when my water broke and delivered at 20 weeks.  He's turned into more than just my doctor.  He's been my medical rock, my therapist, and has really taken on a father role.  Donny was working and wasn't at the appointment, and it was a short visit to just to make sure there was a heartbeat.  Dr. Larson came in the room with a big smile (this man loves his job with such passion) and he said "Let's go see that heartbeat!"  The ultrasound went great, and he found the heartbeat right away.  Just when he was about to wrap up, he saw something in the corner of the screen and snapped the ultrasound wand in a different direction.  He just stood there and said nothing (which is rare)... and he slowly put two fingers up.   I can't quite remember the seconds after that, but I started crying hysterically, and Dr. Larson had to stop the ultrasound and sit down and gain his own composure.  Deep down I felt that my body is not equipt strong enough to carry twins, and he also had the same reservations without flat out saying it.  I felt like we were going to watch another tragedy unfold.  

We decided that it'd be best to be seen by a high risk pregnancy physician in Rochester just to see what our options were, thinking I could get a cerclage (a procedure to stitch my cervix shut), or shots of progesterone steroids thru the pregnancy. That appointment the end of September was heartbreaking.  The physician there basically sat there and shrugged his shoulders and said "Because you're pregnant with twins, you're not a candidate for the cerclage and progesterone is not proven to be effective in twins"... we walked away with no options but to pray for a normal pregnancy.  

I saw Dr. Larson every week to check the length of my cervix. Every week crept by... and every week was a victory for me.  Every symptom, ache, or pain, Dr. Larson heard from me... and everything would be okay.

Concealing and Revealing the News
Donny and I held off telling anyone we were pregnant until I couldn't hide it anymore.  We had a small group of people who did know, and I called them my 'Prayer Peeps':  My sister, brother-in-law, Pastor Fred, his wife Stacy, and my friend/co-worker, Lori, who is also pregnant and due in March.  Of course, Donny and I had a bit of fun hiding my pregnancy... like filling up beer bottles with rootbeer and recapping them for my niece's birthday party, carrying around a beer at my brother's wedding and 'switching to screwdrivers',  and our friend's wedding where I ordered a drink and then 'went to the bathroom' to hunt down our waiter to switch it to non-alcoholic....  but we also had to pass on many events this summer because it would have been impossible to 'hide' due to not drinking (I seriously don't have a drinking problem...beer is a  hobby... it really is!)

 I was having a lot of anxiety with the thought of telling anyone we were pregnant just because of the heartache we caused so many people around us when we lost the twins in 2013, and that in itself was hard to process.  I didn't want the million questions or people worrying about us; and because, frankly, we don't have a good pregnancy history and I know how people think and judge.  It's easier for me to deal with things myself as opposed to feeling the need to console and answer to others because of my heartbreak.   At week 15, I physically couldn't hide anymore, and my coworkers were the first to hear the news.  They're my second family, the people who see me everyday... they know my habits and lifestyle, so it was a complete relief to finally tell them.  Then we told our parents... and then we told them to hold off on telling anyone else... just to protect emotions in case something happened. 

Moving Forward

Week 20 was very emotional for me.... the week we lost our twins last time, and it hit me harder than I thought.  It's nothing I can explain other than saying "It was impossibly hard'.  I don't expect anyone else to understand unless you've gone thru an infant loss, which I really wish no one would have to because it's not a fun club to be apart of... I'm good at masking my emotions for the most part, which sometimes isn't the best, but that's how I got through it.  Getting thru that week was a huge milestone... and then everything started to snowball at week 21...

Where to Start....

Hello Friends, Family, Acquaintances (and even strangers)

I'm assuming you're reading this knowing that we're expecting!  Twins!  Girls!

You're also likely reading this blog because you've been worried, thinking, or praying for our family the last few weeks with not much information being relayed back to you.  I'm sorry information has been slim up until this point.  Frankly, I've been so overwhelmed that it's hard for me to repeat things back to our family and friends.  I don't want to admit it, because you're supposed to have all this stress-free time on bedrest, but I've been mentally, emotionally, and yes, physically drained the last three weeks.  THANK YOU for everything you've done for us... every prayer is working and every thought is appreciated more than I can ever express.

Here on out, I am hoping to keep up with this blog as everyone's main source of information and updates on our pregnancy journey; and a journey it has been!  

Thanks again everyone for your love, words of support, cards, flowers, gifts, visits.  It amazes me how much support and love we have around us when it would be so easy to shake your head in worry and go on with your day.

I'll back up to the 'beginning' of events that have gotten us to this point so far... bear with me... it's a long story!!